5/5/19 Match report

Bexleyheath 1s vs Tonbridge
Good day Heath fans, and the season is upon us! With the start to the season, many questions were on people’s lips, Will Barks still use his plastic bat for hardball cricket? When will Jake have hist first strop? (answer quite soon) Can Rob’s bowling be as tight as his jeans this year? All valid questions, possibly in fourth place, how will the first team get on this season?
The Heath team had their first league game of the season and were invited to travel to the ice cold rainy climate of Tonbridge CC. The first thing Mike Barker lost was not the toss, it was the floppy stumps we use to warm up with, Tonbridge mistakenly took it as theirs and Barks was too focused on other things/scared to ask for it back. Barks did win the toss however and chose to bowl.
Rob and the second newest Jimmy (our umpire for the day and hopefully season is also called Jim) opened up on a slow and low one and were very neat and tidy. Jimmy J was first to strike finding the outside edge of Batsman numero uno and a fine catch standing up from Benjamin Aldred (who now pays his own fines, so consequently will no longer be having school dinners). There was then a period of stability from Tonbridge CC, and slow but sure platform building and they looked set for a score of 160+. Enter Mr McCann, King Edward himself to the fold and things took a turn for the worst for TCC. Zander who has only ever shown a passion, drive and willingness to play first team cricket, bowled with a passion, drive and willingness to halt TCC in their tracks and picked up a maiden 5fer. King Edward and some tight bowling from Jambo (formely Jimmy/Pam’s second favourite), R Mac 1 for 9 from 7, and Jimmy J 2 for 23, ensured TCC only posted 131 all out. A fine start by the heath, a couple of drops (mainly C Wiseman), were the only real blemishes on the bowling and fielding performance.
With the rain reigning down on the Heath’s attempt to win the game, there were several stoppages in both innings and the reluctance of TCC to help with covers meant the Heath were often there to drive them on. On the second or possibly third cover transportation session fine of the week occurred, C Wiseman running to get the cover fell gluteus maximus over pectoralis major. Although styled out with a roll, tumble and dive that Tom Daley would be proud of #rainbowlaces #surelytherewascontact it was still enough to turn £3 to £4 despite Barks not coaching colts training to do homework, and Robby Mac thinking a plastic bag was a rare species of bird. Yes I am bitter!
Anyway back to the cricket, the wind and clouds were nearing in, and there were question marks about whether the game would be finished. Kumar and Wiseman to open the innings. Wiseman was his usual aggressive, boundary saturating self and Kumar was tipping it around and taking singles were possible, well it could have happened? With kumar starting to line himself up for a quick nifty, there were a few exchanges between him and oppo wicketkeeper. Kumar did exclaim that he must be a teacher as he cannot catch or bat, and all his does is talk, at least I think he was talking to the wicketkeeper yet he was looking at me? What Kumar failed to mention is the Wicket keeper was an outstanding teacher, the heath innings he provided a starter, an open philosophical question ‘how did you manage to hit that shot so well’ when Kumar slayed one meant for long on over the slips. The keeper/outstanding teacher had differentiation in his sledging Kumar (the more able student) got dogs abuse, Wiseman (lower ability student) was allowed to go about his task with no distractions. Finally there was progress, the opening stand was 80 and that has not been done by the Heath for at least a season, if Ofsted would have been there tick, tick, tick outstanding lesson.
Where was I? Okay 80 for the first wicket Kumar hitting 4s and 6s galore. Wiseman out, Kumar not far behind him. So a partnership or two away from victory, Jimmy J was remaining stubborn and determined at the crease whilst putting the bad ones away, Jake keeping him company. As the clouds and rain descended Barks was pacing up and down doing his best Michael Fish impression telling the batsman they had two overs before it was going to rain again. Barks was looking more nervous than Jack Woods going through customs. Jake was out and Barks decided he would be next in, he was the captain, he was the hero of the hour, he was the cool head needed, he was going to lead by example, he was… out first ball. Jimmy J held firm for 26* and that was just about enough to see us home. First game, first win, Gravesend CC next.
Match report by Chris Wiseman
MoM: Spud McCann 5-32
Fine of the week: Chris Wiseman (otherwise I would not have done the match report.